What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
Books are my kind of texts.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
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