Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
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