Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
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