Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
You're so clover!
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
"Some people have no guts."
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
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