Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
when I’m with you.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Some bunny loves you.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
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