If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
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