I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
My weekend is fully booked.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Go to BabaMail
