What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Skiing is believing!
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
Shave a single shingle thin.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
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