As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
"Alcohol you later."
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
That’s a bit mulch.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
Octopus ocular optics.
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