Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
You’re my pot of gold.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
I only have ice for you.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Can’t pinch this.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
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