Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
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