Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
"Bugs and hisses."
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
He threw three free throws.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
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