Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
"Partners in wine."
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Gold riddance.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
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