Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
"Great minds drink alike."
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
You snow the drill.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
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