When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
when I’m with you.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
As it snow happens.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
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