How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
"Time to wine down."
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
I have bean
thinking about you.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
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