What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Deja brew all over again.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
"Bone to be wild."
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
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