Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
I scored when I met you.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
You're the ruler of my heart.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
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