What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
Call me on the shellphone.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
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