Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
You’re my soul Santa.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
"You had me at merlot."
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Girls just wanna have sun!
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
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