Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I dig you a hole lot.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
You’re my lucky charm.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
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