It's ice to meet you.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
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