You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
In on the ground flora.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Metaphors be with you.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
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