Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
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