Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
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