Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
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