I yam what I yam.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
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