How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Whatever floats your goat.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
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