I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
In on the ground flora.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Distill my beating heart.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
I fence-y you.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
I only have ice for you.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
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