I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
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