How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
Rudder valve reversals
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
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