What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
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