Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
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