What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
"Here for the right riesling."
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
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