Who needs luck? I have charm.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
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