Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
"There's no bunny like you."
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
If trees could kill you, they wood.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
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