What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
I love you a tot!
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
All stereos are so typical.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
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