I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
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