What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
I cannoli be happy
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
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