A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.

I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."

When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”

My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.

What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.

What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.

What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”

What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.

If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.

Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.

Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism

How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.

What do all French cars come with as standard?

A spare wheel of cheese.

Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.

Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.

Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!

Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.

What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.

What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.

If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?

What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.

‪My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
‪He says it’s his passion‬.

Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.

Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.

How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.

Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.

When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.

What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!

Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff

What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

Leave poetry to the prose.

What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.

How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!

Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.

the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!

What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!

How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code

The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM

What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.

I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart

What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!

Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.

What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.