I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t