Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
I love you so fairy much.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
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