Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Are you squiding me right now?
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
My lobster's name is:
Claude
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
We’re in a-green-ment.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
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