I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
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