What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
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