There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Beach, please.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Readers do it by the book.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
I’m feelin’ pine.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
How Rudolf you to say that!
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.