What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
"Here for the right riesling."
By the seat of one’s punt
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
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