Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
As it snow happens.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
That’s a-may-zing!
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
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