I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Snow on and snow forth.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Go to BabaMail
