What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
Beach, please.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
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