Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
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