When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
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