A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
I whale always love you.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
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