Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
That look soots you.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
We've reached the point of snow return.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
Water you doing on [date]?
Time to celery-brate.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
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