The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
That was thaw-some!
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
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