What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
I love when you coddle me.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Leave poetry to the prose.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
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