Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
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