After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
I loaf you.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
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