Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
I love you from my head tomato
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
It's ice to meet you.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
I pitcher us together forever.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
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