This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
"You bake me crazy."
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Shave a single shingle thin.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
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