If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
Fairies just spell trouble.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
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