I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Octopus ocular optics.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
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