What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Burst into cheers!
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
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