Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Let’s take an elfie.
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