What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
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