What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
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