I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
"Love the wine you're with."
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
You’ve been working too yard.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
We have great chemis-tree.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
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