I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
You mermake me happy.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
We’re calling your number.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
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