A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
"Sip happens."
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
Yoda one for me!
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
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