What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
I beg your garden?
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Feeling fintastic.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
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