What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
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