How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
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