There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I beg your garden?
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
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