When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
Don’t moss around.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
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