Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
Better read than dead.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Owl always love you.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
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