Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
"You're a real good egg."
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
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