My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
I beacha miss summer already!
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
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