Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
You’re right up my alley.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
I’m feelin’ pine.
You are aged to perfection.
My love for you is like no otter.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
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