The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
Go to BabaMail
