What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
Don't get tide down.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
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