What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
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