Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
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