Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
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