No intentional frowning is allowed here.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
I think therefore I yam.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
We’re a perfect mash.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
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