Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
I feel tail great!
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
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