How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
We’re a perfect mash.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
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