Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
I always have a ball with you.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
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