Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
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