I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
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