What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
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