What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
"Aloe you vera much."
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