Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
I only have ice for you!
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
Dublin over in laughter.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
Snow thank you.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
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