I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
Snow thank you.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
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