What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
This is snow laughing matter!
He threw three free throws.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Yule be sorry.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
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