I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Goat milk?
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Resting Grinch face.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
Love at frost sight!
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
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