What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
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