My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Best in snow.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
You’re my lucky charm.
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