Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
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