My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
"Here for the right riesling."
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Don't fork-get your manners.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
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