I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
I’m very frond of you.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
"You crack me up."
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
You met all of my koala-fications
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
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How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
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