How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
He’s my pinch charming.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
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