I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
You've really struck a gourd with me...
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
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