What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
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