What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
French people give me the crepes.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
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