Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Summer is just floating by.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
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