What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
I hope for world peas.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
Go big or go gnome.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
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