An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
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