Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Don’t be elfish.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Leaf me alone.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
We are mint to be.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
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