I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
You’re the queen of my heart.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
I'm acorn-y person.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
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